When you sit down to write about your mom and the meaning of her life, you run into the stark reality that of all the people that you owe thanks to, it would mostly be her.
My mom is responsible for shaping the very person that I am. In those early years when I was an infant and a toddler, and almost all of my world experience was shaped by her commentary and watchfulness, she was the one who moulded my sense of self and self-worth.
Mom had been in and out of the hospital all through 2016. She began having problems with fluid build-up and different chemical imbalances. Her hemoglobin was low. She ended up being hospitalized several times to deal with fluid build-up in her legs. In the early part of 2016 she bounced back fairly well from the hospital visits. She was still able to stand and get around with her walker.
One day, not sure of the exact date, but I think it was January 2016, dad's 85th birthday. Arlene, John, Brenda and I took mom and dad out to lunch at Kelsey's on Burloak Drive. It was a breezy, chilly wintery day. Mom really had a hard time catching her breath. Just the 50 or so steps from the car left her in quite a state. But her spirits were high, and mom was always so glad just to have us with her.
As the summer of 2016 came, mom was back in the hospital three or four more times. We knew by then that she had been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a form of cancer which affects the bone marrow. But each case develops differently and unpredictably. When we bought our cottage in May it was apparent that mom would not be able to tolerate a long drive to come up and visit, let alone hang out in our cottage for a day or two. She was getting weak on her feet, and every day while she was home, Dad was looking after her in so many ways: helping her to the bathroom, helping her get out of bed, get dressed. Mom would defer to Dad for details about most things. Even a conversation with mom would take considerable effort to maintain, because for mom the exertion of her memory seemed to be exhausting as well. During the months of September and October mom would be on oxygen all the time, and would spend a lot of the day napping in her chair.
August 13, Visiting Dad in the hospital
Mom was stable for a few weeks and during early August Dad was diagnosed as needing a pacemaker. He had been getting severely short of breath. So these two pictures are taken when Mom came to visit Dad at OTMH. She was happy to be the one doing the visiting for a change!
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| Mom is visiting Dad at OTMH |
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| Dad is the one getting better |
August 27 Visiting Mom
Mom was back in the hospital. This time it was not a happy situation. The hospital didn't seem to know what to do with her or where to put her. They had put her in a less-used section of the hospital, where the furniture was the old furniture from the old OTMH. There was only a skeleton staff on the weekend, and mom was hallucinating and according to dad she was very angry and upset and irrational. Dad was at his wit's end and needed our support which we were able to provide as best we could. It became clear that this situation was unsustainable, and yet nobody seemed willing to tell us what to do! A couple days later I was in to visit mom. She had been moved into a better location. She was pretty chatty, and in good spirits which was nice, but her constant chatter was also an indication that her chemical balance was off. Mom was not used to being on meds and the narcotics were throwing her off chemically!
In some previous hospital visits, she had gone through huge mood swings ranging from hyper-talkative (incessant reflection), incoherent reminiscing, fixating on dreams she'd had, imaging things had happened that hadn't, seeing people in the room, and even outbursts of rage and childish ranting and yelling, "Nurse! Nurse!" On this day the meds were affecting her personality slightly, with less extremity and unpredictability. However, it still was discomforting not knowing what she might do (or say) next. Mom was able to get herself into the wheelchair, so we hooked up the oxygen tank and went for a walk. In the gift shop Mom really liked the colour of one particular top. We also bought some mint candies which she liked a lot.
Mom was pretty weak, and had to get back into bed with the nurses' help. Being in the hospital for her was such a bore. She just wanted to be home and be with Dad.
September
Mom was in and out of the hospital a couple more times during September. Meanwhile we were making arrangements to come and do a show at Palermo. There was an understanding that Mom wasn't going to get better, and that one thing she would really like was to have us come and play for her and everyone at Palermo.
Friday October 14
The Brenda Brown jazz quartet performed a set at Palermo Village. Brenda sang, accompanied by Ian, Olivia, and myself. Mom and Dad were in the front row. We were so glad to be able to do this. No pictures were taken, but this is a very happy memory for us who performed.
November 3
WARREN, Patricia "Pat" Marie (nee McGregor)
Passed away peacefully at Lakefield Extendicare in Lakefield on Thursday November 3, 2016 at the age of 93. We will always remember her smile, her gentleness and enduring love. A world traveller, dedicated knitter, and persistent survivor of a stroke in 2007; Pat was a truly remarkable woman. Predeceased by husband Donald William Warren (1976). Much loved mother of Howard W. Warren and Janet C. Brown (Norm). Sadly missed by her grandchildren Lesley M. Warren and husband Eric J. Weaver, Donald W. Warren and fiancée Sarah Sharpe, Tarryl P. Hartling and husband Ryan N. Hartling and Lauren E. Hartling and husband Cory G. Hartling. Lovingly remembered by her five Great-grandchildren Neil Warren Hartling, Emily M. Weaver and Andrew W. Weaver, Lucas A. Hartling and Melinda S. Warren. Pat is also survived by her brother Howard B. McGregor of Ottawa. Fondly remembered by her extended family and her church family at St. Paul's United Church in Oakville and friends in Oakville. Family and friends may pay their respects at the Kopriva Taylor Funeral Home.
Week of November 7
Mom was trying to get strong enough and stable enough to come home from the hospital. The palliative care team met with us to scope out what would be the plan for mom upon returning to Palermo. It was made known that mom and dad wanted to have mom stay at Palermo as much as possible. They wanted to bring in whatever supports were needed so mom could be at home with dad. The original hope was that they would be able to sleep in their own bed, but it quickly became clear it would be impossible because mom was too uncomfortable.
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In the cafeteria at OTMH. Mom had eaten an entire donut.
We were always encouraged when she was in the mood to eat! |
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These flowers were sent to Mom at OTMH. I think
they were from Pat Warren's funeral. This is a very special
picture for my dad, and for our whole family. |
Wednesday, November 16
I went to see mom at Palermo Village for part of the day. Dad had a hospital bed brought in, and today the staff at Palermo came and moved out the piano and the big coffee table to make room for it. We were able to turn the bed around and face it towards the patio door.
Friday, November 18
Mom's 89th birthday today. I took some flowers and a box of jelly candies over to her. Trevor called from Calgary and spoke to mom for a minute. She was glad to hear his voice. Then Gerry called as well. She was really tired and sleepy but I was able to get her out of bed and sit up for a bit in the lazy boy chair, and at one point we actually got her into her wheelchair. She said, "Let's get out of here," so I took her down to the kitchenette for a cup of tea. She had a few sips, but then started feeling anxious and wanted the nurse to help her, and we ended up going back to the apartment and helping her get into bed. Mom had been not eating very much, but on her birthday she had a bite of a sandwich, a few spoonfuls of chicken soup broth, and a few sips of tea. She also had a protein shake earlier.
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| Selfie time |
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| Mom talks with Trevor as he wishes her a happy 89th birthday! |
Thursday, November 24
Came to stay with mom for a few hours. She wasn't really eating, but was happy to have ice cubes and a couple of LifeSavers. Dad had to go out and run a few errands. Mom was sleeping most of the time. The idea of mom being home wasn't going to work out very well. Dad was struggling just to get enough sleep and look after himself, let alone working to take care of mom too! The CCAC lead person was going to come in on Monday and see if a room at Ian Anderson Hospice was coming available. That was the hope. Otherwise, mom would have to go into the Palliative Care unit at the hospital.
Friday, November 25
According to Dad, the CCAC rep was in to do an assessment of the situation, and the person who booked people into Ian Anderson House (palliative care home) was also there. It turned out that they knew each other and were able to make a quick decision to move Mom to Ian Anderson House at the earliest opportunity.
Monday, November 28
Today I called Dad at about 3pm, and at that time the ambulance had come to take mom to the Ian Anderson Hospice. This facility is for terminal cancer patients. There are six rooms. Mom has moved into room 5. Arlene is over there now with Dad, and Brenda, Elinor and I are going over this evening. Olivia may come and join us there later.
According to Dad, Mom knew what Ian Anderson Hospice meant. They had talked about it. Dad told her they were going there, the ambulance was coming to take her there, and I think the saddest moment of his life was having to make this decision, even though Mom was visibly upset about it and said she didn't want to go. It was just one more painful decision Dad had to make based on all of their conversations and his commitment to do what was necessary.
Wednesday, November 30
Brenda, Elinor, and I went over this evening to see mom at the hospice. She was mostly sleeping, but was responsive a little bit to taking some ice cubes and a couple of sips of water. The staff got her cleaned up and rolled onto her side at about 10pm and she was sleeping comfortably when we left. Doug has arrived for a few days.
Friday, December 2
Gerry, Debbie and the boys drove up from Ohio today. They arrived around 7pm. Mom was awake and opened her eyes and was able to see them all. The group, including Doug, Arlene, John, Lindsay and Dad met afterwards at Turtle Jacks. Then Gerry's gang stopped in to see us on their way back home in the late evening.
Friday, December 2 continued
Today Brenda and I arrived to see mom at about 10am. Doug was already there. Then dad arrived around 11:30. Olivia came at around 12 noon on her own. She was trying to contact Steven to come along with her but not able to. Carol McNaught from St. Paul's came to visit. Mom was fairly agitated a couple of times. She seems upset and anxious. She tried to talk a few times. We could make out "Ron" and some incomprehensible phrases now and then. She was unable to open her eyes much, but it sure seems like she can hear what we're saying.
Monday, December 5
I went to see mom around 1pm. Brenda had been there since 10am. Mom was sleeping a lot and she wasn't very responsive to our words, but she was moving quite a bit perhaps because she was lying on her back and was uncomfortable. Elinor came with us, and Elinor and I got to hold mom's hands together.
Tuesday, December 6
Brenda and I visited mom from 11am to about 2pm. Dad arrived at around noon. Mom had opened her eyes a bit and squeezed my hands slightly a few minutes before dad arrived. He bent over and asked for a kiss, but I'm not sure if mom was able to respond. A little while later when dad was out of the room Brenda thought mom was crying, but there were no tears. She has had so little water. When I left the hospice today I told mom I loved her so much and I kissed her good-bye. It felt like it was really good-bye.
That was the last time I saw her.
Elinor phoned us while we were driving home and said she wanted to go visit Nana. We said it could happen. But later, after Elinor got home, it had been a busy day, and when we told Ellie that mom was basically unable to respond, she decided that it didn't really have to happen. I said to her that I was glad she was able to visit Nana yesterday.
Arlene texted me at around 7 to share that the nurse said mom could die tonight or sometime tomorrow. Her breathing was getting very shallow.
Arlene left around 9, and mom passed into eternity at 10:51 with Dad at her side.
Mom, you knew that we loved you. You knew how much Dad loved you and was devoted to you. And you knew how good things have gone for you, despite all the reasons to think the world was against you. Your gratefulness and generosity throughout your whole life is an inspiration to me.
Mom, there are no more cards to play. No more choices to make. No more tears to cry. Just peace and rest for your beautiful soul. Thank-you for giving me and so many others life, hope, and happiness.
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| Mom and Dad cut the cake on their 60th Anniversary |
Some Final Thoughts
In all the thirty or more years since I've been out of the house, Mom and Dad were very, very busy with their own lives. Mom didn't ever get the chance to just put up her feet and "retire." After I had moved out, my mom looked after Steven on a daily basis after school time, until he was about 10 or 12. Steven would go over to 248 Slater after school. Mom would always be busy in the office. Dad would be out and about making calls, servicing customers, conducting training classes, etc. And mom would hold down the fort. She would be active in church all the time. She would go to choir every week and sing in church on Sundays. She would visit people in the hospital. She would help out in the Ladies Auxiliary. She would organize the Tea Room for the annual Bazaar. She would have her friends over for tea, and invite lonely people or longtime friends and their friends over for meals on special occasions. There were many occasions where I met new people because Mom had invited them to be with us for dinner on a special occasion.
Mom and dad didn't take "vacations" in the normal sense. But they carved out special ways to be together and share life's adventures. For example, Dad bought a motor home, and then a nice big trailer, which made it possible for Mom to go on the road with him. On more than one occasion, Bill and Norma Sprung, or Bob and Velma Morris traveled with them. Many summer visits to the NACAT convention were special because Mom and Dad had made some special friendships in that context.
My point is that mom didn't sit back and expect life to gather around her. She rode the currents and put herself where she wanted and needed to be. She was always thrilled when everyone made the effort to gather together. This was such a happy time for her, to see us all playing and visiting and hanging out. The respect we have as siblings for one another, and the fact that we have made efforts to visit, and that our kids all know each other, is very very special.
Mom was the gravitational force that drew us together.
When mom was in the hospital several months ago, she had a reaction to one of the pain-killers, or she got her chemistry off balance somehow. She wasn't herself and she was in a strange mental state where she was reliving distant memories. There was a stage where mom talked incessantly for every second she was awake. She reminisced about everything. Maybe we learned something from what she remembered.
At one point she was enamoured with her memories and impressions of the trip she and dad took to the Congo to visit Doug, Carolyn, and Nathan. She retold that story at least a half dozen times to me. The starry nights. The way Nathan was in thick with the other kids, and took part in everything they did. The way he shared his toys with them. The simplicity of village life. I think mom found something there that she really, really loved. She found people who cared for each other. She found a place where the fabric of daily life is one of interdependence and simplicity. Trust and kindness. Song and hard work.
We must also remember that in the first few years after we all finished high school and were getting on with our grown-up lives, mom was still managing and working shifts at the family business, the coin-operated Kerr Koin Laundry, or managing Dad's office duties for his company Auto-Know, Inc. She was very busy with this stuff, and yet she carved out the important things and made them happen.
While my siblings and I were running around doing this and that, mom was working the whole time to support dad's business, and to be a contributing, caring member of our community. She was her own woman.
"She was a great lady."
Good-bye Mom. We love you forever.
