Letter from Uncle Don about Nana Hepburn's life

Morningside, AB

September 21, 1980

Dear Jean and Ron,

I’ve been meaning to write for several weeks now, but somehow the days seem to slip by quickly. It’s a month already since Mom passed away; that hardly seems possible. I’ve done very little about settling up her affairs, except to check with my lawyer here to confirm that the will need not be probated. There's a bit of a snag at the Credit Union, in that I opened the account in Mom’s name years ago, with myself as the signing authority by virtue of the general power of attorney that I held. That power of attorney lapsed on August 22nd, and the people at the CU are a little unsure about my signing authority now. They will have that resolved this week, after which I should be able to make a full accounting and settling up fairly quickly.

As for the special mattress and the grey arm chair at the Grandview, I gave them both to the hospital. They were pleased. The grey chair is in the main lounge area and gives it a little more homey, less institutional appearance.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about Mom over the past couple of years, especially driving back and forth from Edmonton. I guess I had already been through her passing and her funeral a few dozen times before it really happened. I often wondered how I would remember her -- certainly not as the frail and disabled person I was visiting. I often wonder, too, if you would remember her the same way, Jean. I think we tend to look at things differently because of our different experiences, and I suppose that we each saw Mom in our own special way which may or may not be similar.

Mr. Mayfield’s reference to the Biblical Dorcas was an appropriate one. Grandma Thom could not have known in advance that Mom would be clever with her hands and have therefore chosen the name to describe her appropriately. Maybe instead it was more of a self-fulfilling prophecy, with her daughter gradually growing to fulfil the expectation of a Dorcas, skillful with her hands and selfless in her service to others. However it happened, there was a good match between the two Dorcases. That’s one way I’ll remember Mom -- always busy with her hands, always creative and imaginative, and always with someone else’s benefit in mind.

Dorcas is not a common name anymore, of course, but it used to be common in the Bennett’s I’ve been sorting through all kinds of old clippings and pictures and things -- a process you and I began at the cedar chest a month ago -- and have come across lots of interesting things about Bennetts, Thoms, Hepburns and other old family names. I’ll be sending you a parcel of odds and ends one day soon, and will share the others when they’re organized a little more. One thing I’ve found, in the little book “The Bennetts of Lanark County” by Carol Austin Bennett, is that Dorcas is one of the very common names in the Bennett connection. It comes from Dorcas Fee, Mom’s “Grandma Bennett”, who was born in County Antrim in Ireland and was transplanted at an early age to the Ottawa Valley when her mother moved there.

I sometimes wonder about the transmission of characteristics from one generation to another. I’ll remember Mom for her endurance. She was tough. So also, it seems, were her Fee ancestors. Mary Harris Fee came to this country as a widow, with four young children to care for -- Dorcas, Elizabeth, Margaret, and James. She must have been made of tough stuff to have managed as she did in the 1840s, to survive a potato famine and then make a new life in a new world, on her own.

I try to imagine Dorcas Fee growing up in  Upper Canada Village, or something like it, and meeting Edward Bennett and marrying him. Then, with six children and a seventh coming, being widowed and having to manage on her own, just as her mother had done. I have some hazy recollections of things Mom told me about her Grandma Bennett, but not much. She must have had some of her mother’s toughness, though, because she raised her seven children without benefit of social allowance or widow’s pension. Raised them well, too, giving each son a homesite close to her own home. I remember Mom talking about Grandma Bennett’s garden, and about work days when children and grandchildren helped put up the winter’s wood supply for Grandma Bennett. I found the newspaper obituary marking her death -- a copy is attached. It’s interesting to note how she is describe -- “of a kind and generous disposition, a true friend and neighbour in time of sickness and trouble, Mrs. Bennett was most highly esteemed by a very wide circle of friends...” Besides toughness and durability, these are the other characteristics that Mom had in ample quantity.

Her second youngest, Mary Jane Bennett, our grandma, grew up in the Ottawa Valley and at some point met George Nielson Thom. Mom told me that he was born at Paisley, Ontario to Scottish-born parents, Katie Sinclair of Edinborough and William Thom of Glasgow. Paisley seems an awfully long way from Carleton Place, and I don’t have any idea how Geroge came to be there. Perhaps he found someone there who would teach him the grocery and dry goods trade which I think he followed until he got his heart’s desire -- his poultry farm -- in Burnaby. Anyway, in Almonte and Carleton Place and Smith’s Falls, and later in Regina (the house on Athol Street) Mary Jane and George Thom raised five children, the middle one being Dorcas Elizabeth, named after her Grandma and an aunt.

I don’t remember much about our Grandma Thom. I was eight, I think, when she died, and the only occasion when I really remember seeing much of her was at the golden wedding celebrations in Burnaby, in 1936, I believe, when I was only five. But from those hazy memories, from things Mom said, and from some remaining poems and pictures and scrapbooks, I have a mental image of her.She, too, was clever with her hands. I think that arthritis kept her from sewing very much, but it didn’t keep her from crocheting and tatting. Probably my strongest memory is of her doing handwork. She was troubled for years with diabetes, and was particularly cautious therefore during her third pregnancy about her diet -- probably one of her own design, for she was a great self-medicator. It may have got her safely through her pregnancy, but it could well have been protein-deficient enough to have adversely affected her baby. Certainly, Mom had her share of neurological and developmental problems. Apparently the pregnancy also miraculously cured the diabetes, so that Grandma and Grampa must have been doubly pleased at Mom’s arrival - a new daughter, and the end of a diabetic affliction.

What I remember about Grandma’s illnesses is that they never stopped her. When her hands were too crippled to sew, she could crochet. When she was bed-ridden or severely restricted in her activities, she would help her children by making picture books for them. You have one or two of her scrapbooks, I think. She kept up regular correspondence with her children, followed the progress of each grandchild, and wrote poems to mark each special occasion. She lived her life for her children. She was stoic: she might know suffering, but she would bear it quietly. It seems to me that Mom had all these qualities, too.

Mom didn’t have a very promising beginning. She wasn’t robust, and had nervous problems all her life. I remember being embarrassed by her facial tics when I was an adolescent. It’s amazing, isn't it, how preoccupied you can be with physical normality at that age. It takes a while to learn just how little of a person that really matters rests in the body. When she was still little, she was threatened with a spinal deformity which the physicians could not cure. She underwent chiropractic treatment then, and for the rest of her life, and the curvature was corrected. Because of her frailty, and because she could be helpful at home, her school career was terminated early, after three years, I think. But although as Mr. Mayfield said, she was not well-school, she was nevertheless well-educated. I remember on more than one occasion being impressed by her problem-solving skills. My years of schooling outnumber hers by six times or so, but she would be able to compute in her head and see solutions to problems while I was still trying to formulate the question.

In spite of her inauspicioius beginning, she grew up and married, raised three children, and in her 83 years knew ten grandchildren. In those 83 years she showed the same qualities of strength, determination ,helpfulness, selflessness, and concern and caring that her mother and grandmother must have had. She also showed their ability to withstand stress and suffering.

I think she had other characteristics that I’ll remember, too. Maybe some of the are from the Thom side of the family, too. For instance, she was a talker. Maybe “visitor” is a better word for it. Tony Poulton, who married one of Gordon Thom’s girls, I think, remarked to us once, after he had visited with Mom for an evening, that she certainly was a Thoms and the Thom’s loved to visit. Great talkers. Perhaps Mom knew, as I have discovered perhaps too late, that frequent recounting of events strengthens our memory of them and helps to retain an accurate oral history. Failure to recount them hastens their disappearance. My recollection of events is often poor, but Mom remembered. She knew her family history and her family ties well. When Carol Bennett was compiling her family history about the Bennetts of Lanrka County, it was Mom - removed from there by fifty years and 3000 miles - who could provide missing details.

Besides being a talker, she was a listener. So many people -- you friends, Joyce’s friends, my friends -- found help and strength in talking to her. She knew how to listen creatively. Even when she was bedridden and not really able to communicate very well, friends would come to visit and go away feeling better for it. Even hospital staff would ask for permission to look after her.

She was patient. I have tried to remember a time when she was hostile, but I can’t. I can remember times when she would “put her foot down”, firmly, and lay down the law in clear and unequivocal terms. When babysitting Gordon and Bruce, for instance, when they were about 4 and 3 -- they got into a bit of a squabble and wouldn’t get along. She plunked one of them onto the kitchen steps and one onto a chair, in neutral corners, and explained clearly the requirements for even getting down again. But with determination, not anger. I remember her telling me about the time she had to spank Joyce outside the Hudon’s Bay Store, or maybe only threatened to spank her. The event was rare enough to be noteworthy. A few times in more recent years she has expressed anger at Marshall Wells for treating Dad so shabbily, and even confided some anger at Dad for putting up with it, but I don’t remember her ever being in a rage. I can’t even really remember her shouting. Perhaps she couldn’t. The nearest I remember to shouting was her “hoo0hoo” to Mrs. McIntosh or someone a yard or two away down the lane.

I remember her as being strong, too, when Joyce died in 1944. Mom provided the strength for the rest of us. I remember her doing the ironing and other routine things, partly because they need to be done, but partly because she knew the importance of anchor points which familiar routines can provide when the whole world is coming apart. When Dad died in 1953, she took control of managing her life with the same quiet determination. When strokes took away her independence, she remained a strong personality. Even though she was dependent on others for almost everything, there was never any doubt that she was a person of great personal strength.

I don’t think that complaining was in her make-up. Even though she had plenty of reason to complain, it was a rare occasion when she would admit to pain or discomfort, or succumb even to the extent of taking a 222. She kept her emotional hurts to herself, too. She told me once about being in church, as a little girl, and overhearing some other child in another pew asking “What's the matter with that girl?” She was deeply hurt, and learned early what it felt like to be pointed at and criticized. Years later her unfortunate experience at the Eastern Star meeting must have brought back some unhappy memories. She could empathize with frailty, and would never knowling have hurt or belittled anyone, and to my knowledge never did.

That all sounds a bit too serious. I also remember Mom as being happy. Her fun was quiet fun. I don’t think she was a singer, and not much for games. But she was witty and conversational and enjoyed company. And she was good at arranging things so that other people could enjoy themselves. I guess I see her more as a facilitator of other people’s enjoyment than an active participant. Her enjoyment came from seeing others enjoying themselves, and of course from the planning and the organizing. Is that how you saw things too?

I suppose the list could go on. The more I think about things I remember, the more things I remember. I know that the Mom we knew over the last few months was not the only Mom I’ll remember. Most of all I’ll remember her as a warm and supportive and loving person, which is probably just the way you will, too. I’m enclosing a little poem which I have from a friend. My first reaction to it was a little negative, but on reflection I realized how appropriate it was. I hope you like it, too.

One other thing that Mome did was to keep us in touch with each other. Your visits and your letters to her were visits and letters to us as well. I hope that doesn’t stop. The Hepburn side of our family was very poor at keeping in touch. I hope we can be more like the Thoms that respect.

Hope you are all well. Keep in touch.

Love, 

Don

The Stump Is Not The Tombstone

The stump is not the tombstone for the tree.
It marks the birth, and celebrates the living.
Rather than points to where life used to be,
Providing now another kind of giving.

What once held root to timber, earth to sky,
Has now become the summer beetle’s grotto,
The chipmunk’s hide-and-seek. The butterfly
Brings signature to this old woodland’s motto:

“There is no waste in nature, every cell
Recycles to produce another treasure.”
May we, like this aged tree stump, do as well
When our diminished height the flowers measure

Someone may live in deeds we leave behind,
However unrecorded and unsigned.

Mary-Ann Berridge (Houston)

BERRIDGE, Mary-Ann Marie
July 5, 1952 - Calgary, Alberta
November 8, 2019 - Calgary, Alberta

With great sadness our family announces the passing of Mary - Ann at the age of 67 while at the cardiovascular unit of the Foothills Medical Centre in Calgary, AB.

To her end, Mary-Ann kept her distinct sense of humour and her gracious compassion for other people. To all that knew her she was a warrior and trooper in every sense. Mary-Ann never once complained about all her health issues over two decades, did as her doctors told her, and made everyday further proof of her positive attitude.

Mary-Ann, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, and finally grandmother, was a proud lady that never went anywhere without being dressed properly for the day, a quality she certainly learned from her mother. She was a talented cross-stitcher and has many projects hanging in her home, and won a first place ribbon for her entry in the Calgary Stampede. An avid reader, she would latch onto an author, find all their books, and then read them all in series start to finish. Everything she did was in order. Every Costco trip she went by the book counters with her list in hand of what she needed.

She is lovingly remembered and will be greatly missed by her husband Jim of 47 years; son Dave (Nicole) of Chilliwack, BC, daughter Laura Anderson (Ryan) of Swift Current SK; brothers, Sandy Houston of Halifax NS, Bob (Jackie) Houston of Grand Prairie, AB, and Neal Houston of Las Vegas NV. She will be dearly missed by her four grandsons who she loved with all her heart and who loved her back, Malcolm Berridge, Sylvester Berridge, Riley Anderson, and Luke Anderson. Her extended family of in-laws, nieces, nephews, cousins and a long list of cherished friends will also remember her with dearest thoughts.

Houstons, Browns, Gilmours in "Fabrics From The Seventies"
Back row: Doug, Sandy, Mary-Ann, Bob
Middle row: Kathy Gilmour (?), Gerry, Arlene,
Front row: Neal, David Will, Glen,  ? Gilmour

One example of the amazing stitchwork Mary-Ann created.

Glen, Mary-Ann, Dad in October 2017

Jim, Mary-Ann, Dad in October 2017

The family is truly thankful for all the staff at unit 81 of the Foothills Medical Centre who displayed courtesy, professionalism, and undaunted compassion for Mary-Ann and her family during her last days.

Condolences may be forwarded through www.McInnisandHolloway.com. At Mary-Ann's request, no formal services will take place.

If friends so desire, memorial tributes may be made directly to the Heart & Stroke Foundation of Alberta, 200, 119 - 14th Street N.W., Calgary, AB T2N 1Z6 Telephone: (403) 264-5549, www.heartandstroke.ca.

A tree will be planted in living memory of Mary-Ann Berridge.
Published on November 12, 2019

Ray Peace 1944 - 2019

Peace, Raymond John - MMM CD

Major Canadian Armed Forces Retired. After a long and bravely fought battle, Ray passed away on April 17, 2019 at St. Joseph’s Health Centre, Guelph at the age of 74 years. He was predeceased by his first wife Dianne and survived by his wife Juliet Baldock, daughters Debbie Labrecque (Ray), Cathy Peace and Susie Syme (Al); sister Dora Lee and his grandchildren Bri, Alisha, Robyn, Brandon and Alex. During his lengthy career in the Canadian Armed Forces, Ray served with distinction in many locations and capacities both in Canada and the Middle East.

At his request, there will be no funeral or visitation but donations in his memory will be greatly appreciated and may be made to Diabetes Canada or to any charity of your choice. Arrangements entrusted to GILCHRIST CHAPEL – McIntyre & Wilkie Funeral Home, One Delhi Street, Guelph, (519-824-0031). We invite you to leave your memories and donations online at:

To Juliet, Debbie, Cathy and Susie,
Brenda and I send our condolences to you on this sad occasion of Ray's death. Brenda was telling me stories of how her uncle Randy used to pop by at the Lee home on Woodbine when she was a little girl, and he would always take time to be attentive and 'hang out' for a while. Brenda really appreciated that positive input from him as an uncle and as an important mentor and role model. Brenda also spoke fondly of times when she was able to visit and stay with her cousins' in the summertime when Ray was living out near Trenton. My memories of Ray include many special family events and occasions, for example Susie's Hamilton wedding with a special reception at the RHLI officer's mess, Debbie's wedding at Borden, and visits with Cathy and her son in Hamilton, not to mention dozens of visits with gramma Peace when our paths would cross. He was a fine man, obviously very dedicated and capable, with a distinguished career of service under his belt. If there were experiences and memories that Ray held in his heart and was unable to put into words for us to know, I respect him deeply for that. I'm glad to have known him and we are glad to have you all in our lives. Take care and we will look forward to seeing you at a memorial service in the future.
Love from Glen, Brenda and family - Olivia, Ian, Elinor

www.gilchristchapel.com and they will be forwarded to the family.

http://www.gilchristchapel.com/obituaries/133324

Donald Walter (PhD) Hepburn

November 29, 1930 – December 15, 2018

Don Hepburn passed away peacefully at home on December 15, 2018 after a lengthy battle with Parkinson’s Disease.

He was pre-deceased by his sister Joyce, his sister Jean Brown, his daughter Cathy McPhail and son Robert.

He is survived by his wife of 66 years, Joan and sons Gordon (Elsie) of Granville Ferry, Nova Scotia, Bruce (Edith) of Lethbridge, and Neil of Edmonton, together with numerous nieces and nephews.

A life-long educator, Don taught school in Edmonton, and in Ft. Simpson and Inuvik, N.W.T. before returning south. As Supervisor for Special Education for Alberta Education, Don’s work pioneered many of the supports now available to Alberta children with special educational needs. He also taught special education at the Red Deer College and the University of Alberta.

Upon his retirement, Don became an active volunteer for the Central Alberta Historical Society. Don was highly motivated by social justice issues and put his energies into Friends of Medicare, the Council of Canadians, numerous church committees and activities. Most notably, he was involved in reconciliation efforts fostered by Sunnybrook United Church and helped found the Remembering the Children Society. In 2003, the Red Deer Rotary Clubs named Don as Citizen the Year. In 2018, Don received an honorary Doctorate of Sacred Letters from St. Stephen’s College for his work with the Remembering the Children Society. Don Hepburn was a quiet, scholarly, gentle man who accomplished much. We will miss him greatly.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to a charity of the donor’s choice.

A celebration of life is planned for some time in the new year.

Mom (Jean Brown) - Obituary

D. Jean BROWN (nee Hepburn)

BROWN, D. Jean (nee Hepburn) Passed away peacefully with her loving husband by her side, on December 6, 2016 at Ian Anderson House, in her 90th year. Jean, beloved wife of Ron Brown for 61 wonderful years. Dear mother of Doug (Carolyn), Gerry (Deb), Arlene (John), Glen (Brenda) and David (Diane). Cherished nana of Trevor, Steven, Sarah, Lindsay, Amy, Nathan, Olivia, Kevin, Matthew, Ian, Chris, Jason, Elinor and Zoe. Loving sister of Don (Joan) Hepburn of Red Deer, Alberta. Predeceased by her elder sister Joyce. Jean was an active member of St. Paul's United Church for 47 years. She will be dearly missed and lovingly remembered by family, friends and all who knew her. A memorial service to celebrate Jean's life will be held on Monday, December 12, 2016 at St. Paul's United Church, 454 Rebecca Street, Oakville at 11 a.m. In Jean's memory donations may be made to St. Paul's United Church Memorial Fund or Ian Anderson House, Oakville. You may sign our guestbook at www.koprivataylor.com.

Category: Obituaries & Death Notices

Newspaper(s): Oakville Beaver

Location: Oakville

Guestbook for D. Jean Brown (nee Hepburn)

( November 18, 1927 - December 06, 2016 )

Jim voth July 29, 2017

Ron Just heard about Jean's passing. Our deepest sympathies to you. I know how you treasured her, and set an example for many with your devotion to her.

Janice McKeown (nee Sweeting) December 22, 2016

Sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.

Karen Waite December 14, 2016

Dear Arlene and family, Very sorry to hear about your mother's passing. She was a fine woman, she was very kind to me during our high school years together and I know she will be missed. Thinking about you, Karen (Schwartzendruber) Waite

Mary-Ann and Jim Berridge December 13, 2016

All our love and thoughts for the Brown family. Jean was such a wonderful person.

Jan Russel December 10, 2016

Ron, I want to express my deepest sympathy to you and your family on your loss. I know that there is little I can say to console you but please know that my thoughts are with you and your family. I will carry with me the fond thoughts I have of visiting Jean at your home. She was always a gracious and kind host. Warm Regards, Jan Russel

Nancy Wickett December 09, 2016

Dear Ron and family, Jean will be missed by so many people. She made friends easily and was often ready to set-up a games table. Love, Nancy

Carol & Mark Fulton December 09, 2016

Dear Arlene Please accept our heartfelt condolences on the passing of your beloved Mom. She is at peace now in the arms of the Angels. God Bless you and your family. Love, Carol & Mark Fulton

Rev. Charlie Hogg & Rev. Heather Gilmour December 08, 2016

Dear Ron. It seems like only yesterday I chatted, for so brief a time, with you and your lovely partner in life Jean. It was when you recognized me in the foyer of the new O.T.M.H. I had no idea at that time how very sick Jean was. I came home with an excitement at having renewed our relationship!!! Jean and you were major figures in shaping my journey towards ordination whilst I was the assistant at St. Paul's. We will always cherish the memory of our time with you and Jean as Heather still makes Jean's 7up jellied salad when we have guests for dinner; each and every time they leave with the recipe.. You see, Ron, Jean is still very active in memory and her gifts will go on beyond anything that we could ever imagine. You have been married to a one of a kind woman who carved her own pathway into the hearts of all who knew her. With our profound love to you and all of your family. Heather and Charlie

Bell Technical Solutions London December 08, 2016

To Arlene and family, Deepest condolences for your loss. We are all thinking about you. BTS London

Betty Henderson and the KIDS December 08, 2016

Ron and family you all are in our prayers and thoughts Jean was a beautiful lady and will be missed by many We have very fond memories of Jean especially Betty-Ann and I when we visited your home in September 2010 You all have an angel watching over u now and u will call her MOM God Bless everyone

Anna December 08, 2016

Arlene, Dad & Family. I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your Mother/Wife, Sending you all Prayers of Comfort with all my Heart, Anna

Rev. Bill Sparling December 07, 2016

Hello Ron: What a huge loss it is for you to lose such a great partner for so many years. The two of you have been terrific as a team and wherever you have gone, have been a power couple, offering fun and leadership in your gracious manner. Our support and prayers go out to you and to your family. Jean was great! Sorry to miss Jean's service Monday, as I will be with Jane's appointment with her Chemo Physician at Princess Margaret Hospital, Toronto. Our very best to you.

Jane and Bill Sparling December 07, 2016

Hello Ron: What a huge loss it is for you to lose such a great partner for so many years. The two of you have been terrific as a team and wherever you have gone, have been a power couple, offering fun and leadership in your gracious manner. Our support and prayers go out to you and to your family. Jean was great! Sorry to miss Jean's service Monday, as I will be with Jane's appointment with her Chemo Physician at Princess Margaret Hospital, Toronto. Our very best to you.

Barb Clancy December 07, 2016

Dear Arlene, John, Trevor and Lindsay, So sorry to hear of your Mom and Grandma passing away. I had the pleasure of meeting her several times and I remember her as a wonderful, kind and cheerful person. I know she will be missed. My thoughts are with you. Barb

Deb Brown December 07, 2016

So many beautiful memories, with a caring, beautiful lady. You are loved.

Stephen Arcand December 07, 2016

The Arcand family will always have wonderful memories of Jean and our involvement at St. Paul's.

Harry & Claujine Garifallidis December 07, 2016

Our most heartfelt condolences to our good friend Ron and family. We consider ourselves blessed to have been among those effected by her inspiring, caring, nurturing and loving nature. Jean's departure to be with the Lord creates a void in the world of those she leaves behind. She will be greatly missed...

Ches and Marg Hornibrook December 07, 2016

Our sympathy to Ron and family. Jean will be greatly missed in the congregation and by her family.

Another Beautiful Obituary

With great sadness we announce the peaceful passing of NAME in the early hours of _____ at ____ hospital, after a short illness at (hospital).

Re-united with the love of his life from age ___, (name) who predeceased him in ___. They shared many wonderful years together enjoying the company of their family and many friends. ____ and ____ especially enjoyed their yearly trip to ____. He was very happy to return to ____ in the last couple of years with his daughter (name) and her family to rekindle those fond memories.

Beloved father of (name) and (name), and (name). Proud grandfather of (name). Cherished great-grandfather of (name). Loving brother of (names). He will be sadly missed by his many nieces and nephews.

NAME was a loyal, longtime employee of ___ for ___ years. He was highly regarded by his colleagues and those who worked with him. NAME was especially proud of the contributions that he made to help advance the ____ process, including receiving the *** award in (year) from the (association). He retired in (year) as (position) in (department). NAME was an avid golfer and was a member of (golf club) for almost 50 years. He enjoyed many annual trips with his son (name) to (place) to golf and then to the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta, Georgia to see the best players in the world play a game that he was never quite able to master but continued to try to improve on until his late 80's.

NAME was a very wise but humble man who always thought of others before himself. His positive outlook on life served him well until the very end. His wonderful legacy will live on in the hearts and minds of his family. He will be greatly missed by all who knew him.

When I come to the end of the road, and the sun is set for me,

I want no rites in a gloom-filled room, why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little, but not too much and not with your head held low.

Remember the joy and laughter we shared, and lovingly let me go.

A Beautiful Obituary

Surround and celebrated by her family as she took her last proud breath to Vera Lynn's I'll Be Seeing You, -- (nee --) left us on [date] at [location] in [town].

A force of life, love of family and laughter, -- was in her -- year, living the final -- happily in her home of -- years with her adoring husband of -- years

She will always be held proudly and preciously in the hearts of her -- sons and daughter and their families; .... [names]

-- was a writer, a painter, a dancer and carried memories of her beloved town of -- and her favourite -- with her every day.

She came to -- during the incredible decade of --, was working at -- when -- happened. She loved dancing with the airmen. It was at one of those that she me her husband, --. The excitement and pride that permeated -- during the decades of -- never left her, leading her family to believe that her first stop would be with -- at a dance at the Royal connaught.

Our mother was fun and loved to entertain and revelled in making everyone laugh. She was singing, teasing and flirting with her doctor, the great staff at Victoria House, to the moment when she began her final journey Tuesday afternoon.

The family hopes Dr. --, the staff of -- Hospital, the staff of -- her faithful friends and particularly the staff of --for ensuring she could stay in her home, with her cat Maggie, all these years, realize how truly grateful and honoured the family is that they all played such an essential role in our mother's life.

In lieu of flowers, our mother asked only that anyone reading this and remember her do something special today to show your family how much you love them.

And, go to a Ticat game in 2017.

Dorothy Jean Brown - Loving and Caring

When you sit down to write about your mom and the meaning of her life, you run into the stark reality that of all the people that you owe thanks to, it would mostly be her.

My mom is responsible for shaping the very person that I am. In those early years when I was an infant and a toddler, and almost all of my world experience was shaped by her commentary and watchfulness, she was the one who moulded my sense of self and self-worth.

Mom had been in and out of the hospital all through 2016. She began having problems with fluid build-up and different chemical imbalances. Her hemoglobin was low. She ended up being hospitalized several times to deal with fluid build-up in her legs. In the early part of 2016 she bounced back fairly well from the hospital visits. She was still able to stand and get around with her walker.

One day, not sure of the exact date, but I think it was January 2016, dad's 85th birthday. Arlene, John, Brenda and I took mom and dad out to lunch at Kelsey's on Burloak Drive. It was a breezy, chilly wintery day. Mom really had a hard time catching her breath. Just the 50 or so steps from the car left her in quite a state. But her spirits were high, and mom was always so glad just to have us with her.

As the summer of 2016 came, mom was back in the hospital three or four more times. We knew by then that she had been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a form of cancer which affects the bone marrow. But each case develops differently and unpredictably. When we bought our cottage in May it was apparent that mom would not be able to tolerate a long drive to come up and visit, let alone hang out in our cottage for a day or two. She was getting weak on her feet, and every day while she was home, Dad was looking after her in so many ways: helping her to the bathroom, helping her get out of bed, get dressed. Mom would defer to Dad for details about most things. Even a conversation with mom would take considerable effort to maintain, because for mom the exertion of her memory seemed to be exhausting as well. During the months of September and October mom would be on oxygen all the time, and would spend a lot of the day napping in her chair.

August 13, Visiting Dad in the hospital

Mom was stable for a few weeks and during early August Dad was diagnosed as needing a pacemaker. He had been getting severely short of breath. So these two pictures are taken when Mom came to visit Dad at OTMH. She was happy to be the one doing the visiting for a change!

Mom is visiting Dad at OTMH

Dad is the one getting better

August 27 Visiting Mom

Mom was back in the hospital. This time it was not a happy situation. The hospital didn't seem to know what to do with her or where to put her. They had put her in a less-used section of the hospital, where the furniture was the old furniture from the old OTMH. There was only a skeleton staff on the weekend, and mom was hallucinating and according to dad she was very angry and upset and irrational. Dad was at his wit's end and needed our support which we were able to provide as best we could. It became clear that this situation was unsustainable, and yet nobody seemed willing to tell us what to do! A couple days later I was in to visit mom. She had been moved into a better location. She was pretty chatty, and in good spirits which was nice, but her constant chatter was also an indication that her chemical balance was off. Mom was not used to being on meds and the narcotics were throwing her off chemically! 

In some previous hospital visits, she had gone through huge mood swings ranging from hyper-talkative (incessant reflection), incoherent reminiscing, fixating on dreams she'd had, imaging things had happened that hadn't, seeing people in the room, and even outbursts of rage and childish ranting and yelling, "Nurse! Nurse!" On this day the meds were affecting her personality slightly, with less extremity and unpredictability. However, it still was discomforting not knowing what she might do (or say) next. Mom was able to get herself into the wheelchair, so we hooked up the oxygen tank and went for a walk. In the gift shop Mom really liked the colour of one particular top. We also bought some mint candies which she liked a lot.

Mom was pretty weak, and had to get back into bed with the nurses' help. Being in the hospital for her was such a bore. She just wanted to be home and be with Dad.

September

Mom was in and out of the hospital a couple more times during September. Meanwhile we were making arrangements to come and do a show at Palermo. There was an understanding that Mom wasn't going to get better, and that one thing she would really like was to have us come and play for her and everyone at Palermo.

Friday October 14

The Brenda Brown jazz quartet performed a set at Palermo Village. Brenda sang, accompanied by Ian, Olivia, and myself. Mom and Dad were in the front row. We were so glad to be able to do this. No pictures were taken, but this is a very happy memory for us who performed.

November 3

WARREN, Patricia "Pat" Marie (nee McGregor)
Passed away peacefully at Lakefield Extendicare in Lakefield on Thursday November 3, 2016 at the age of 93. We will always remember her smile, her gentleness and enduring love. A world traveller, dedicated knitter, and persistent survivor of a stroke in 2007; Pat was a truly remarkable woman. Predeceased by husband Donald William Warren (1976). Much loved mother of Howard W. Warren and Janet C. Brown (Norm). Sadly missed by her grandchildren Lesley M. Warren and husband Eric J. Weaver, Donald W. Warren and fiancée Sarah Sharpe, Tarryl P. Hartling and husband Ryan N. Hartling and Lauren E. Hartling and husband Cory G. Hartling. Lovingly remembered by her five Great-grandchildren Neil Warren Hartling, Emily M. Weaver and Andrew W. Weaver, Lucas A. Hartling and Melinda S. Warren. Pat is also survived by her brother Howard B. McGregor of Ottawa. Fondly remembered by her extended family and her church family at St. Paul's United Church in Oakville and friends in Oakville. Family and friends may pay their respects at the Kopriva Taylor Funeral Home.

Week of November 7

Mom was trying to get strong enough and stable enough to come home from the hospital. The palliative care team met with us to scope out what would be the plan for mom upon returning to Palermo. It was made known that mom and dad wanted to have mom stay at Palermo as much as possible. They wanted to bring in whatever supports were needed so mom could be at home with dad. The original hope was that they would be able to sleep in their own bed, but it quickly became clear it would be impossible because mom was too uncomfortable.

In the cafeteria at OTMH. Mom had eaten an entire donut.
We were always encouraged when she was in the mood to eat!

These flowers were sent to Mom at OTMH. I think
they were from Pat Warren's funeral. This is a very special
picture for my dad, and for our whole family.

Wednesday, November 16

I went to see mom at Palermo Village for part of the day. Dad had a hospital bed brought in, and today the staff at Palermo came and moved out the piano and the big coffee table to make room for it. We were able to turn the bed around and face it towards the patio door.

Friday, November 18

Mom's 89th birthday today. I took some flowers and a box of jelly candies over to her. Trevor called from Calgary and spoke to mom for a minute. She was glad to hear his voice. Then Gerry called as well. She was really tired and sleepy but I was able to get her out of bed and sit up for a bit in the lazy boy chair, and at one point we actually got her into her wheelchair. She said, "Let's get out of here," so I took her down to the kitchenette for a cup of tea. She had a few sips, but then started feeling anxious and wanted the nurse to help her, and we ended up going back to the apartment and helping her get into bed. Mom had been not eating very much, but on her birthday she had a bite of a sandwich, a few spoonfuls of chicken soup broth, and a few sips of tea. She also had a protein shake earlier.

Selfie time

Mom talks with Trevor as he wishes her a happy 89th birthday!

Thursday, November 24

Came to stay with mom for a few hours. She wasn't really eating, but was happy to have ice cubes and a couple of LifeSavers. Dad had to go out and run a few errands. Mom was sleeping most of the time. The idea of mom being home wasn't going to work out very well. Dad was struggling just to get enough sleep and look after himself, let alone working to take care of mom too! The CCAC lead person was going to come in on Monday and see if a room at Ian Anderson Hospice was coming available. That was the hope. Otherwise, mom would have to go into the Palliative Care unit at the hospital.

Friday, November 25

According to Dad, the CCAC rep was in to do an assessment of the situation, and the person who booked people into Ian Anderson House (palliative care home) was also there. It turned out that they knew each other and were able to make a quick decision to move Mom to Ian Anderson House at the earliest opportunity.

Monday, November 28

Today I called Dad at about 3pm, and at that time the ambulance had come to take mom to the Ian Anderson Hospice. This facility is for terminal cancer patients. There are six rooms. Mom has moved into room 5. Arlene is over there now with Dad, and Brenda, Elinor and I are going over this evening. Olivia may come and join us there later.

According to Dad, Mom knew what Ian Anderson Hospice meant. They had talked about it. Dad told her they were going there, the ambulance was coming to take her there, and I think the saddest moment of his life was having to make this decision, even though Mom was visibly upset about it and said she didn't want to go. It was just one more painful decision Dad had to make based on all of their conversations and his commitment to do what was necessary.


Wednesday, November 30

Brenda, Elinor, and I went over this evening to see mom at the hospice. She was mostly sleeping, but was responsive a little bit to taking some ice cubes and a couple of sips of water. The staff got her cleaned up and rolled onto her side at about 10pm and she was sleeping comfortably when we left. Doug has arrived for a few days.

Friday, December 2

Gerry, Debbie and the boys drove up from Ohio today. They arrived around 7pm. Mom was awake and opened her eyes and was able to see them all. The group, including Doug, Arlene, John, Lindsay and Dad met afterwards at Turtle Jacks. Then Gerry's gang stopped in to see us on their way back home in the late evening.

Friday, December 2 continued

Today Brenda and I arrived to see mom at about 10am. Doug was already there. Then dad arrived around 11:30. Olivia came at around 12 noon on her own. She was trying to contact Steven to come along with her but not able to. Carol McNaught from St. Paul's came to visit. Mom was fairly agitated a couple of times. She seems upset and anxious. She tried to talk a few times. We could make out "Ron" and some incomprehensible phrases now and then. She was unable to open her eyes much, but it sure seems like she can hear what we're saying.

Monday, December 5

I went to see mom around 1pm. Brenda had been there since 10am. Mom was sleeping a lot and she wasn't very responsive to our words, but she was moving quite a bit perhaps because she was lying on her back and was uncomfortable. Elinor came with us, and Elinor and I got to hold mom's hands together.

Tuesday, December 6

Brenda and I visited mom from 11am to about 2pm. Dad arrived at around noon. Mom had opened her eyes a bit and squeezed my hands slightly a few minutes before dad arrived. He bent over and asked for a kiss, but I'm not sure if mom was able to respond. A little while later when dad was out of the room Brenda thought mom was crying, but there were no tears. She has had so little water. When I left the hospice today I told mom I loved her so much and I kissed her good-bye. It felt like it was really good-bye. 

That was the last time I saw her.

Elinor phoned us while we were driving home and said she wanted to go visit Nana. We said it could happen. But later, after Elinor got home, it had been a busy day, and when we told Ellie that mom was basically unable to respond, she decided that it didn't really have to happen. I said to her that I was glad she was able to visit Nana yesterday.

Arlene texted me at around 7 to share that the nurse said mom could die tonight or sometime tomorrow. Her breathing was getting very shallow. 

Arlene left around 9, and mom passed into eternity at 10:51 with Dad at her side.

Mom, you knew that we loved you. You knew how much Dad loved you and was devoted to you. And you knew how good things have gone for you, despite all the reasons to think the world was against you. Your gratefulness and generosity throughout your whole life is an inspiration to me.

Mom, there are no more cards to play. No more choices to make. No more tears to cry. Just peace and rest for your beautiful soul. Thank-you for giving me and so many others life, hope, and happiness.

Mom and Dad cut the cake on their 60th Anniversary

Some Final Thoughts

In all the thirty or more years since I've been out of the house, Mom and Dad were very, very busy with their own lives. Mom didn't ever get the chance to just put up her feet and "retire." After I had moved out, my mom looked after Steven on a daily basis after school time, until he was about 10 or 12. Steven would go over to 248 Slater after school. Mom would always be busy in the office. Dad would be out and about making calls, servicing customers, conducting training classes, etc. And mom would hold down the fort. She would be active in church all the time. She would go to choir every week and sing in church on Sundays. She would visit people in the hospital. She would help out in the Ladies Auxiliary. She would organize the Tea Room for the annual Bazaar. She would have her friends over for tea, and invite lonely people or longtime friends and their friends over for meals on special occasions. There were many occasions where I met new people because Mom had invited them to be with us for dinner on a special occasion.

Mom and dad didn't take "vacations" in the normal sense. But they carved out special ways to be together and share life's adventures. For example, Dad bought a motor home, and then a nice big trailer, which made it possible for Mom to go on the road with him. On more than one occasion, Bill and Norma Sprung, or Bob and Velma Morris traveled with them. Many summer visits to the NACAT convention were special because Mom and Dad had made some special friendships in that context.

My point is that mom didn't sit back and expect life to gather around her. She rode the currents and put herself where she wanted and needed to be. She was always thrilled when everyone made the effort to gather together. This was such a happy time for her, to see us all playing and visiting and hanging out. The respect we have as siblings for one another, and the fact that we have made efforts to visit, and that our kids all know each other, is very very special.

Mom was the gravitational force that drew us together.

When mom was in the hospital several months ago, she had a reaction to one of the pain-killers, or she got her chemistry off balance somehow. She wasn't herself and she was in a strange mental state where she was reliving distant memories. There was a stage where mom talked incessantly for every second she was awake. She reminisced about everything. Maybe we learned something from what she remembered.

At one point she was enamoured with her memories and impressions of the trip she and dad took to the Congo to visit Doug, Carolyn, and Nathan. She retold that story at least a half dozen times to me. The starry nights. The way Nathan was in thick with the other kids, and took part in everything they did. The way he shared his toys with them. The simplicity of village life. I think mom found something there that she really, really loved. She found people who cared for each other. She found a place where the fabric of daily life is one of interdependence and simplicity. Trust and kindness. Song and hard work.

We must also remember that in the first few years after we all finished high school and were getting on with our grown-up lives, mom was still managing and working shifts at the family business, the coin-operated Kerr Koin Laundry, or managing Dad's office duties for his company Auto-Know, Inc. She was very busy with this stuff, and yet she carved out the important things and made them happen.

While my siblings and I were running around doing this and that, mom was working the whole time to support dad's business, and to be a contributing, caring member of our community. She was her own woman.

"She was a great lady."

Good-bye Mom. We love you forever.